Bananas
by Lilyfish
Summary: Edward, Bella and flavoured body oil


27.2.08

**Bananas**

Emmett and Jasper were sprawled comfortably on the sofa in the Cullen living room. The arrival of nightfall meant there was little to do in the dull little town of Forks, and they were rather bored. Emmett idly flicked through the channels of the TV, watching a cooking show with mild amusement.

"Can you even remember what it tastes like?" he asked Jasper.

"What?"

"Food…humans seem to eat an awful lot of it, don't they? I swear I never ate that much." mused Emmett.

"I remember, a few days after I had been changed, I tried eating ketchup. Because I liked the colour" said Jasper, his eyes wincing slightly.

"Really?" asked Emmett in surprise "what does it taste like? I've never tried it…"

"I'd rather not talk about it" said Jasper shortly, scowling. Emmett lobbed a cushion at him, which promptly burst over Jasper's head, showering him with fluffy white feathers. "I was coughing the stuff up for over a week afterwards. I think there may have had a bit of garlic in it" he said, shuddering.

"Yucky" agreed Emmett.

A commercial break interrupted them, and a picture of a bright eyed baby appeared on the screen.

"_Johnson's baby oil for super soft skin" _said a sickeningly sweet voice-over. Jasper grimaced.

"Can't we do something else?" he complained.

"Baby oil…" murmured Emmett thoughtfully, his eyes glittering mischievously.

"We do not have any babies in the house, Emmett" muttered Jesper, bored of his brother's spontaneous and often random thoughts. Jasper lay back even further on the sofa, and closed his eyes.

"No, I was thinking. Maybe we should give Edward and Bella a hand in their relationship" said Emmett. Jasper's eyes flew open.

"_Baby oil" _he whispered, realising what Emmett was getting at. Slowly, he sat up. "Get Alice. Late night Wal-Mart. Now."

Less than a split second later, Alice slid into the room.

"Oh…my…god" she breathed "that is the best idea EVER!"

She seized Emmett and Jasper's hands, and dragged them to the door. "My car" she ordered "one of you is going to have to stay behind; it can only fit two people"

"I thought of it first" said Emmett. Jasper frowned.

"Fine" he muttered. He turned to go inside, but paused on the doorstep. "I think Edward would prefer flavoured" he said, his mouth upturned in a slightly. Alice clapped her hands together, and did an excited little twirl.

"Banana. He used to love bananas." she said simply. She and Emmett slid into the yellow Porsche, whilst Jasper waved them off.

"Good luck!" he called cheerily after them.

"Right" said Alice pragmatically, as she and Emmett stood at the front of the store. A sleepy looking woman was slumped over the checkout, snoring. Alice gave her a poke. She woke with a start, glancing around feverishly. "Where can I get some baby oil?" asked Alice sweetly. Emmett poked his head over her shoulder.

"And do you sell it in banana flavour?" he added, trying to emulate Alice's sweet tone. The woman's eyes widened. She looked from Alice to Emmett.

"It's for a friend" Alice said quickly. The woman nodded, and stood up, still looking at them weirdly.

"This way" she said hesitantly, gesturing at them to follow. Alice skipped on ahead, snatching the occasional item from the shelf. Emmett caught up with her.

"What do you want a rubber duck for?" he asked in confusion. Alice smiled.

"A gift for Jaz, compensation for not being allowed to come with us"

The woman stopped at the end of the aisle.

"Is this good enough for you?" she asked.

"Yep" said Alice, shooting a sidelong evil smile at her brother.

"Hell yeah!" he said, rubbing his hands together with glee. He knelt to inspect the different brands. "Here's the banana one, Alice" he said, handing the bottle to her.

"Looks nice and oily" she commented wryly.

After paying, they shot home in the car to show their purchase to Jasper. He twiddled the bottle around in his long white fingers.

"You only got the one bottle?" he asked Alice.

"For Edward and Bella, yes" she replied. His expression took on a slightly sulky hue.

"I like bananas too, you know" he mumbled. Alice giggled, and slid her arm round his waist.

"Don't worry, I got you something else" she said, fishing the ducky out of her pocket.

"What on _earth _am I supposed to do with this?" he asked, thoroughly confused.

"Go and run yourself a bath" Alice whispered suggestively, her sweet breath tickling his ear. "I'll be back once Emmett and I have taken care of Edward and Bella".

Jasper looked down at her in surprise, but his face quickly smoothed over, and he grinned.

"Have fun" he said.

I lay in Edward's arms, whilst he sang my lullaby.

"Sleep, my pretty Bella" he said, kissing my nose. I giggled, and swatted at him playfully. He laughed softly, and pulled me closer to his chest. Suddenly he tensed. "Someone's outside" he hissed, and sprang to his feet, the speed making me dizzy. He drew back the curtains, and the moonlight spilled onto his face, making him look paler than ever.

A sudden _plink _at the window made me jump. I went over to him, and looked out the window too. It sounded like someone had thrown a piece of gravel at it. "Emmett" he said with a groan. I squinted, scanning the yard for a sign of his brother. I wished I had vampire vision. Then I caught sight of him, walking out from behind a clump of bushes.

"What are you doing here?" whispered Edward, his velvet voice laced with fury. Emmett ignored this, and his mouth split into a grin. A particularly evil one.

"I came to give you a little gift, my dear brother" he said, a conspiratorial look on his face. "Bella might appreciate it. I just hope she likes bananas" he cackled.

"Gift?" asked Edward, looking baffled.

"Alice just whizzed upstairs and put it on the bed. I am merely serving as a quaint little distraction. Have fun, you two" he said, with a mock bow, before vanishing. Edward whipped round to face the room. It looked exactly as it had been before, but now there was a suspicious looking yellow bottle, nestled happily in my bed sheets. Edward sprang over to it immediately, but did not pick it up. He looked down at it warily.

"I doubt they sent us a bomb" I said, rolling my eyes at his nervousness. He nodded slowly, and picked it up. I bent over his shoulder to read the label, and soon felt my cheeks beginning to grow hot. I saw his lips mouth the words _banana flavoured baby oil. _He blinked rapidly, then looked over to me.

"What are we supposed to do with baby oil?" he asked in confusion "we don't have any babies".

I turned to hide my now flaming face. Oh God. Edward did not know what to do with flavoured body oil.

"What's wrong?" he asked, turning me around to face him. I took in the serious expression of his face, and the bottle in his hands. I couldn't help it; a bubble of laughter swelled up in my chest. I started to giggle.

"It's edible _body _oil, Edward" I said, gulping breaths of air and trying to calm myself.

"Why would anyone want to eat body oil?" asked Edward in bemusement, staring at me as though I had lost all traces of sanity.

"And you say _I'm _the one that's naïve" I said, grinning. "But Alice is so dead"

"What? Tell me!" he pleaded. "Do you put it on bread or something? I don't know what weird things you humans get up to these days"

I took a deep breath "No. You put it on your body. And…it gets …" I said, avoiding eye contact. I wasn't laughing anymore. If my cheeks went any redder, blood was going to start seeping through my skin.

"Gets what?" he persisted. I bit my lip.

"Licked off" I whispered, mortified.

"You _what?" _he asked incredulously.

"Some couples like doing it. I don't really know why it appeals to them" I said, keeping my eyes trained to the floor.

"Well it certainly doesn't taste like bananas" said Edward. My eyes shot up. He had taken the cap off, and dripped some onto his tongue. "More like plastic, actually. With a hint of artificial sweetness" he said, head cocked to one side, deliberating on the taste. He caught my eye, and smiled wickedly.

"You are _insane" _I exclaimed, relieved that the tension was broken. He nodded.

"Quite. I think this stuff has additives in it. Not good for humans, but dreadful for us vampires"

"Should we just throw it away?" I asked, eager for the dratted bottle to disappear.

"No" muttered Edward. "I want to use it. Right…_now!" _

"What??" I squeaked in horror.

"I want to pour it on Emmett's head. He's still standing outside the window".


End file.
